Flickr’s blog recently highlighted an amazing series of photos of lounging dogs.

Well, Charles can do that too. He just prefers to lie on top of someone.

A few points:

• Clear’s wifi is at times awesome and at times horrible. It was horrible tonight.
• In my particular environment, the “Grip of Death” appears to be quite invigorating for my download speeds despite a one-bar drop in signal. The average DL speed was virtually unchanged from when it was sitting there untouched.
• It looks like the worst thing I can do is a) use my home wifi, or b) hold my phone other than how I would normally hold it.
• I am an antenna.
• While writing this post, I noticed my bars alternate between two and five simply due to AT&T’s network peculiarities. I wonder to what extent this GoD problem is exaggerated simply because of signal strength variations that happen on their own.

If these occur with 20-30 minutes left in your talk, especially if your talk was only supposed to be 15 minutes to begin with, even worse.

I will assume a fetal posture and will remain in this position for an uncomfortably long period of time, certainly for a longer period of time than a simple bump would warrant.

I will for all intents and purposes act as though I am dying or have already died, except to grab at my ankle(s) and make as agonizing a face as possible, in which case I will only use one hand to cover my face, or to scream out loudly.

I will cry real tears if possible. If not, I will simply look as though I am crying, but just assume that I really am because you have hurt me badly.

I will check my ankle, abdomen, nose, forehead, and abdomen again to see if I am bleeding or if I have sustained any fatal blows.

If you offer me your hand to assist me in standing up, I will not take it. If I am able, which will almost never be the case, I will wave you off with my one good remaining limb (failing this, with slight eye movements back and forth to signal that I am still conscious but only barely and that no, I do not wish to stand up at this time, and especially not with your help, you violent bastard who have just committed the most heinous crime against humanity that I have ever witnessed).

After an absurd amount of time, I will call into the vicinity of this incidental contact the training crew that I have temporarily hired, who will briefly assess me, be unable to calm me down, if uncontrollable, or rouse me, if unresponsive, and eventually carry me to an adjacent area on a flimsy cloth stretcher.

Then I will get up and go about my business.

Just so you know.

Webster/Clybourn, Chicago
Roosevelt/Wabash, Chicago (Update, 6/9/10: Seems to be limited to two hours now.)
Jackson/Wabash, Chicago (Update, 6/10/10: Seems to be limited to two hours now.)

If you come across another location that gives free wifi internet access for longer than two hours—not just in Chicago, but anywhere—get in touch with me and I’ll add it to the list.