For the next month, if you bump into me or touch me in any way, I will fall to the ground, roll several times, and cover my face with my hands.

I will assume a fetal posture and will remain in this position for an uncomfortably long period of time, certainly for a longer period of time than a simple bump would warrant.

I will for all intents and purposes act as though I am dying or have already died, except to grab at my ankle(s) and make as agonizing a face as possible, in which case I will only use one hand to cover my face, or to scream out loudly.

I will cry real tears if possible. If not, I will simply look as though I am crying, but just assume that I really am because you have hurt me badly.

I will check my ankle, abdomen, nose, forehead, and abdomen again to see if I am bleeding or if I have sustained any fatal blows.

If you offer me your hand to assist me in standing up, I will not take it. If I am able, which will almost never be the case, I will wave you off with my one good remaining limb (failing this, with slight eye movements back and forth to signal that I am still conscious but only barely and that no, I do not wish to stand up at this time, and especially not with your help, you violent bastard who have just committed the most heinous crime against humanity that I have ever witnessed).

After an absurd amount of time, I will call into the vicinity of this incidental contact the training crew that I have temporarily hired, who will briefly assess me, be unable to calm me down, if uncontrollable, or rouse me, if unresponsive, and eventually carry me to an adjacent area on a flimsy cloth stretcher.

Then I will get up and go about my business.

Just so you know.